Caught Between Cultures

An American Story

Thanksgiving was always one of the strangest days growing up. Most people spend the day with one family, eating one type of food and following one set of traditions. For me, it usually meant splitting the day in half. The morning always started with my dad’s side of the family meeting up for the annual family soccer game. Uncles, brothers, and cousins would all play and it was much more competitive than it should’ve been. Afterwards we would all eat tamales at the park, loud Mexican music playing in the background, the adults would open up the coolers and start drinking beer and tequila while telling jokes and stories, everyone talking over each other and having a good time.

Then later in the day everything changed.

I would be dropped off with my moms side of the family and the atmosphere was completely different. Everything was a lot quieter and more structured. The table would be fully set with fancy dishes before everyone arrived. Everyone sat down together to eat at the same time. There was no music playing in the background and nobody talked over anyone else. The energy was a lot calmer and conservative compared to my dad’s side.

Outside of my house, my life felt very American. I attended American schools, listened to American music and grew up surrounded by American culture. However, once I stepped through the doors of my home everything changed. Inside my home there were two different worlds: the traditions and values of my Mexican-born father and those of my Portuguese-born mother. It was normal for me to move between three different languages in a single day. I could go from spending the morning with my dad speaking only Spanish, to going to school speaking English with my classmates and teachers, to then being picked up by my Portuguese grandparents and only speaking Portuguese until my dad came to pick me up where I would then have to switch back to Spanish once again.

The languages, traditions, food, and values my parents gave me became a major part of my upbringing and identity. I am very proud of each culture that I identify with but I remember a time when it wasn’t always so easy for me.

I could go from spending the morning with my dad speaking only Spanish, to going to school speaking English with my classmates and teachers, to then being picked up by my Portuguese grandparents and only speaking Portuguese until my dad came to pick me up where I would then have to switch back to Spanish once again.

My experience was different from typical stories told by children of immigrants. My struggle was never fitting into America or feeling accepted by American society. Outside of my home, I actually felt comfortable being myself. The real challenge came from trying to balance two different immigrant identities within my own family while also growing up American. As a child, I felt that there were certain things I couldn’t talk about depending on what part of the family I was with. As if I couldn’t mix each culture with the other and I had to ride this fine line of "I'm as Mexican as can be" with my dad’s side while being as "Portuguese as could be" with my mom’s side. It was actually easier for me to be myself outside of my home, which is not an experience that most children of immigrants describe. For the most part, it felt easier to hide parts of my identity from each side of the family rather than explain them. I was often made to feel that embracing one culture too much somehow meant that I was trying to distance myself from the other.

Researchers who study bicultural identity explain that many multicultural children learn to separate parts of themselves depending on the social environment they are in. Family expectations and cultural pride can sometimes create pressure to identify more strongly with one side over another. According to an article published by Psychology Today, children raised between multiple cultures often feel pressure to shift different parts of their identity depending on who they are around.

My parents tried to keep me very connected to their individual roots as much as possible, but they did so in completely different ways. My mother kept me involved in the Portuguese festivals that take place all across California while also having me in the “Danças de Carnival” which are theatrical plays that are played out in Portuguese. The festivals bring together California's Portuguese community but are mainly set to replicate the religious parades and ceremonies that take place in Portugal. At these festivals I learned and took part in folk dances like the “chamarrita” which is typically performed in a large circle and led by a “caller” who yells out spontaneous directions and step changes to the group.

The Danças de carnaval, which was not my favorite thing to do growing up, are cultural plays that could either be comedic or full on dramas that include choreography, singing, and spoken dialogue. At both these events you are fully indulged into Portuguese cuisine with dishes like sopas (beef and cabbage soup), alcatra (slow cooked beef layered with spices), lapas (sea snails) and azorean cheese.

Portugese side of the family

During an interview with my mother she explained, “I had you involved in all these activities because I wanted you to understand who I am and where you come from so that our culture isn’t lost”. According to Pew Research Center, many immigrant parents fear that future generations will slowly lose their language, traditions and connections to their roots as children become more absorbed into American culture. My mothers biggest worry was that I wouldn’t understand who she is and that I wouldn’t be able to connect with her or her side of the family.

My father's way of keeping me connected to his roots was much more relaxed and happened naturally day to day. It included watching movies, listening to music, watching soccer games and food. He would have my sister and I watch movies from what is known as Mexico’s golden age of cinema, which took place roughly between 1936-1956. Through him I was introduced to Mexican stars like Pedro Infante, Cantinflas, Jorge Negrete, and the luchadores Santo and Blue Demon. He taught us about all the best artists across the different genres of Mexican music including rancheras, mariachi, cumbias, corridos, and latin rock along with many others. His music always filled the house and became one of my greatest connections to my Mexican side. We watched the Mexican soccer league together and he would teach me the history of teams, their greatest players and the big rivalries between each club. He was also sure to introduce me to his favorite Mexican dishes like menudo, birria, and chile rellenos. Through these moments I learned that culture is not always taught directly. Sometimes it is passed down naturally through shared experiences and everyday life.

Being American is more about working towards a greater goal as a collective, that’s why so many people choose to immigrate here. That is what American culture is in my eyes.

When interviewing my dad on why he showed us all these things he explained, “I didn’t purposefully do it. Those are all the things I grew up with and without wanting to I passed it onto you and your sister.” A typical nonchalant answer from my dad. He expressed that he was never worried about us losing our Mexican culture because in his own words, “ser Mexicano es lo mas chingon” which translates to “being Mexican is the most badass”.

Being proud of my cultures was not hard. I had the Portuguese side that taught me certain things like structure and community. The Mexican side gave me a sense of easy going and laid back culture. Both focused on family and connectivity while also being very hardworking. The hard part was mixing one culture with the other. For example if I was to start talking about the luchador movies that I loved as a kid to my Portuguese uncles I would get strange faces from them and questions of why do you like that. On my dad's side, if I was to start talking about how I ate lapas (sea snails) at my mom's side family gathering the week before I would get crazy looks and would be told that it was very weird food and “disgusting”. Meanwhile, eating it in front of my mom's side was seen as the coolest thing ever.

These are just two small examples among a lot of others but it really affected me as a kid and made me hide who I was from the people I cared about most. School was a place where it was easier to be myself because I grew up in such a diverse place. At school I wasn’t the only one eating weird foods or watching unconventional movies. At school I was just American with a different cultural background just like everyone else. Being American is more about working towards a greater goal as a collective, that’s why so many people choose to immigrate here. That is what American culture is in my eyes.

Over time I slowly started to realize that neither side of the family was intentionally trying to make me feel divided. Both sides simply took pride in their own cultures and wanted their traditions to continue as much as possible through me. I was born carrying all of these cultures and traditions at once, and over time I realized how powerful that truly is. As a kid though, I took these differences as meaning that one side had to outweigh the other depending on who I was around.

Mexican side of the family

Traveling back to the home countries of each parent was easier for me than what I've read from other children of immigrant stories. Most state that when they go to their parents' home country they are called American and that they need to be “more” of that place. My experience has actually been very accepting in each place. In Portugal, I'm taken in as if I'm full on from there. In Mexico it is the same way. I believe this is because my parents did a great job at preserving each culture within me and I am somehow able to easily separate each culture when traveling to each country. I get the occasional “you have a funny accent” or “you said that wrong” but that is something I feel is expected.

The truth is, I never felt that sense of being an outsider in Portugal or Mexico as I did with certain family members living in the United States. It truly is a complex situation and seemed almost as a battle between each side of my family as trying to pull me more to their individual side. "We want you to be more of this and not" that is the feeling that I got.

When interviewing my sister she stated, “Because mom's side didn’t get along with dad's side there was always competition between them and it was messed up because we were stuck in

the middle of it.” My experiences aren’t just unique to myself but also felt by someone who grew up with me. She also explained that she felt she had to hide certain things so that we wouldn’t be judged. We both really just didn’t want to hear either side talking bad about the other. It affected us because we were so happy to be a part of both.

As I got older, I grew to not care what either side thought of the other and what they were teaching me. I stopped worrying about the strange faces or comments and accepted that this is. who I am and I'm not going to try to hide it to make you more happy. Both cultures shaped different parts of my personality. From my Portuguese side I learned tradition, community, structure and close family ties. From my Mexican side I learned humor, music, sports and relaxation. The Portuguese side is much more proper, the Mexican side is relaxed. Although both cultures express themselves differently, they share many of the same core values centered around family, sacrifice and hard work.

What once felt like conflicting identities eventually became something that made me feel complete. Instead of viewing my cultures as separate parts of myself that needed to stay divided, I slowly realized that both combined together creates the identity I carry today. I no longer feel the need to switch versions of myself depending on which side of the family I was around. I am proud of my cultures and proud of both sides of my family. Today, I see my upbringing as something that gave me perspective rather than confusion. My struggles growing up have made me much more curious and accepting of other cultures because I understood what it felt like to not always have that acceptance within my own family.

Growing up between these cultures taught me that identity is not always simple or easy to define. Identity is layered and constantly evolving. For a long time I felt pressure to choose between different sides of myself to feel accepted. Eventually, I realized that being Mexican, Portuguese and American were never things that needed to compete with each other. Together, these three cultures are what make me who I am